She's crafty

Oh yes I am!

Thanks to all this time on my hands, I've gotten really into watching home design shows. I especially love the ones where they go in and simply rearrange your rooms with the same furniture and other odds and ends from other rooms and make it look a hundred thousand times better.

So. The other day while I was working out on my elliptical, I eyed my living room. And the second my workout was done, I hopped off and started moving my furniture around. I took three big pieces of furniture out of the room and moved my couches around, etc. And let me tell you, it's like it's a different room. LOVES it.

One of the big pieces of furniture that I removed was this awesome chair that I totally love. Except that its giant cushions have been covered in orange burlap my entire life. No lie. Still love it, but not so attractive and definitely not working with any kind of color scheme in my house. So what to do with this big chair? Well, I moved my bed a little in my bedroom and created a seating area. I put the chair in the bedroom right next to the windows that let the sun absolutely flood the room in the afternoon. It's heaven. But it was still orange burlap.

So I drove to the fabric store and ran in during the middle of a thunderstorm to pick out fabric. I chose a lovely blue and white toille and guesstimated how much I would need. Did I measure the cushions? No, I didn't. But I'm badass and I still got the right amount of my fabric. How much do I rule? But I digress. I went home and recovered both giant cushions AND made a throw pillow for my bed to tie the fabric into the room. And I did it all BY HAND because I don't own (nor do I know how to use) a sewing machine. FYI, recovering cushions by hand is no small feat. It took me hours. But the end result is enough to make me shiver with delight every time I lay my eyes on my new bedroom chair.

And here it is...





Note the matching throw pillow on my bed:




And Samson is a big fan. (He's doing FANTASTIC now, by the way--totally back to his old healthy self.)

Obsessive

I've been doing a whole lot of learning lately. Not like, major life lessons or anything, but really sitting down and learning something new. I find myself looking for tv shows to watch on Discovery, The History Channel, and the like. I watch and learn about bridges, earthquakes, Megastructures, Hitler, anything that I can sit and absorb. It's been great. I don't know that I'll ever actually use any of this newfound knowledge, but it's fun to learn just the same. Sort of makes me miss elementary school, when everything you learned was completely new. Seems like these days you only learn new variations or context to add to information you already have.

Anyways, I digress. A friend of mine recently blogged about her latest obsessions, and it got me to thinking. I too have an insanely obsessive personality, and when I like something, I like it all the time in massive quantities. Besides learning, my latest obsessions are:

Craigslist.
This has been going on since June when I first started getting the itch to move. If you don't already know, Craigslist is a compilation of all sorts of stuff, including homes for rent, sorted by city. Back in June, my obsession was Chicago, which would probably explain why I still constantly scan Chicago apartments. But I've gone through phases. For a while I was seriously looking at homes in the Detroit metro area, in hopes of finding something closer to my friends and work. That morphed into more Chicago dreaming, but really I think my fascination with craiglist Chicago is that I love the apartments in that city. Everything is so cool. Anyhow, these days I don't stay limited to nearby cities which actually have a possibility (albeit remote) of becoming my next home. Instead, I spend my time scanning craigslist to see what kind of place I could afford to rent in all stretches of the globe. Amsterdam has some cute little places right on canals. I've always been partial to London, since I did live their for a summer way back when. Rome is captivating. I guess I'm obsessed with the possibilities that feel available when seeing homes for rent. I also love to revel in either immaculate interior decorating or, in stark contrast, the clutterbugs who don't bother to hang up their clothes or make their beds before photographing their rooms.

iTunes videos.
Ever since Apple revealed the video iPod, I've been obsessed with buying tv shows and videos from iTunes. It started with a newfound obsession with The Office (yes, I own every episode), and then moved on to Saturday Night Live episodes, music videos, and my latest discovery: Schoolhouse Rock. What? Don't act like you don't remember Conjunction Junction. I just purchased The Preamble, my favorite episode of Schoolhouse Rock, and the reason that I still know the preamble to the Constitution by heart.

Google image searches.
Oh sure, scoff if you will, but you would be blown away by the results you'll get with a simple search of the world red. It's fascinating. I think this obsession was born from my restlessness and desire to change my profile on myspace (another former obsession that has happily died down to a mild distraction). Searching for new images to spice up my profile, I began transfixed with the divergent results. Now when I'm bored, I'm usually running image searches. For anything.

Shamrock shakes.
Oh yes, it's that time of year again. Four leaf clovers are popping up in store fronts, friends are discussing taking a day off of work to guzzle green beer, and McDonalds has rolled out its greatest triumph: the Shamrock shake. Minty green, icy goodness, that's what it is. As sad as it is, I really do start looking forward to these shakes around early February each year. They're only served for about a month around St. Patrick's Day, and happily, that's where we are right now. I get them way more often than I care to admit, but suffice it to say, if it made my obsessions list, you know it's an unhealthy amount.

Blogs.
This one is probably predictable. I just can't help myself. I'll sit for an hour reading a complete stranger's blog, learning all about their life, their day to day experiences, their family life, their pets. Sometimes I read blogs about artwork or architecture. Sometimes they discuss the fine points of aviation. I think this obsession is due in part to the voyeuristic thrill of spying on someone else's life, and in part to my recent overzealous need to learn. Either way, blogs never get boring, and there are always new ones popping up to intrigue me. Some of my favorites are listed as links right here in my blog. Check them out if you get a chance, but be careful: they're addicting.

I think those are my major obsessions at the current time. They're always changing, and sometimes resurfacing. I know my friend Rockrgirl has her own share, but if any of you folks think there's something worthy of my obsessive-time, feel free to email me at dictadiva@gmail.com.

You are pure potential.

This week, during my recent and newfound freedom from the working world, I had lunch out with a friend of mine. After we were through eating, we took some time to peruse a few of the stores adorning Main Street in my hometown. It's funny the things you find time for when you're not rushing back into the office.

Inside one of the stores, a longtime fixture in this town, I found a display of magnets. Hundreds of them. I have this thing about magnets. I try not to let my fascination overtake me. I do, after all, have an entire shoebox full of magnets stored at my parents' house. Those magnets remind me of my childhood. The magnets in this store, however, made me think of my future. A multitude of inspirational quotes imprinted in vivid colors on their faces captivated me for over forty minutes. It was as if they had been placed there for only my eyes to see. Further encouragement and validation for my recent departure from my firm.

You are pure potential.

That particular quote, although not one of the three which I ultimately ended up purchasing, continues to ring through my conciousness. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel potential pumping through me these days with such a renewed force that it makes me almost uncomfortable. And although I'm pretty sure I'll end up at another law firm in the Detroit area, part of me continues to ask myself: but what if?

What if this is my chance to make a break? To take a risk? To do something I never thought I could really do? Maybe I'm supposed to move to Chicago or DC or New York. Maybe my calling is to move down to Louisiana and help with the rebirth of a city so devastated by hurricane that many of its own residents have moved on to new lives in new cities, abandoning all hope for their former home. Perhaps I should be going back to school and obtaining a teaching degree so that I can go back to the only thing I've ever done that's brought so much joy to my life that I felt fulfilled every day: working with kids.

See, I probably will stick it out in this world of law firms, of lexis research, motion-writing, and professional debate and strategery. But the idea that I am a raw ball of potential makes me smile ear to ear. Potential, yes. I know I have the ability to work and achieve anything I set my mind to. It's just a matter of channeling that potential and picking a direction.

enjoying the view

Well, after what I would call a very successful going away party, I've had a few days to sleep it off and let the haze clear. And now that the dust is settling from the whirlwind that was my last week at my firm, a few things have become abundantly clear to me.

First, it's definitely unsettling entering this phase of unknowns in my life. I left security and comfort behind when I walked into that elevator on Friday and left the 25th floor for the last time. Not knowing where I will land next does cause a nervous tension in my stomach from time to time when I suddenly remember that I'm technically unemployed right now.

But, another thing that has become blatantly obvious to me in the last few days is that I was right. I do feel better having shed the weight of a job that wasn't making me happy. I left behind some amazing people who I truly feel were a great benefit to my life, but I also left behind a great deal of folks who I will be glad to never think of again. Even the uncertainty of a job hunt without a security net isn't enough to overshadow the joy I feel in knowing I got out of that situation.

I'm not sure which way the path is going to take me now that I've flung open the door to possibility, but the view sure is nice.

fall out

Yesterday was full of drama.

I basically was attacked by a partner via email for absolutely NO reason whatsoever. I had been handling a file for him for quite some time. Back in early summer, I negotiated a settlement, got those terms put into a consent judgment so that if it was breached, we had a valid judgment that we could use to go after the defendant. Great. Partner was happy.

Flash forward about six months. The agreement we negotiated gave the defendant six months to pay us, with credits for every early payment he made. Well, he didn't pay squat. He was in breach of the terms of the consent judgment, so Partner authorizes me to figure out how we're going to collect, since this guy is down in a suburb of St. Louis. I do some research and determine that we need an attorney down in the St. Louis area to handle the transfer of judgment and collection process for us. I tell Partner. He says he will find an attorney.

I wait for a couple weeks. Partner has still not found an attorney.

Finally, about three weeks later, I get a voicemail from Partner, saying he met a St. Louis attorney at a seminar he was attending in Windsor, and gave me his email address and name so I could email him the party names for a conflict check. The second that I hung up the phone from listening to that voicemail, I emailed Mr. St. Louis.

I wait for about 3 weeks. Partner checks in every so often asking if I've heard back from Mr. St. Louis. The answer is no.

Finally I get a message from Associate M, an associate in the firm of Mr. St. Louis. She will be handling the matter. By this time, it has been close to two months since Partner first said he wanted to collect this judgment. Associate M and I discuss the case and she tells me she will run a conflict check and get back to me on exactly what I need to send her so that she can register our Michigan judgment in Missouri.

I wait for another week and a half. Finally Associate M emails me to tell me that the matter cleared the conflict check and she needs me to send her a certified judgment. Partner comes into my office the very next day around noon and asks me what's taking so long. I tell him that I just heard back from Associate M the day before and that the matter just cleared their conflicts check and I am going to get the certified judgment and send it to her. He is impatient and says that I should send a runner to get the judgment that afternoon and overnight it to St. Louis.

So I do. The certified judgment goes out via FedEx overnight that very afternoon. Associate M receives the judgment the following day, on a Friday.

Wednesday of the following week, Partner asks for a status report. I email Associate M to confirm she received the judgment and to find out what day she filed it with the Missouri court and how long we will have to wait before we can execute on it. She replies that she is confirming the county in which the business is located so that she can file correctly and that she will have it done that week. Remember, this is Wednesday, so she is saying she will have it filed by Friday. I forward her email to Partner. He responds in a rage, telling me that isn't fast enough and to tell her to do it faster.

Fine. I email her back and tell her that we are getting heavy pressure from our client to get this thing finished and that it would be best if she filed it the next day. She replies and tells me that she will make sure to file it the next day. I pass this along to Partner and assure him that it will be done. All of Partner's outrage has resulted in having the judgment filed ONE DAY earlier. Congratulations, Partner.

At least we thought it would be filed one day earlier. I got an email from Associate M yesterday morning. She had sent it at the end of the day on Tuesday. In it she attaches the filed documents and lays out her plan of action. I immediately forward the email to Partner and send the attachments to the printer. Before I even have an opportunity to look at the attachments, I get a beligerent email from Partner, on which he has cc'd the head of our Associates Committee and another associate in the firm. He completely goes off on me, demanding to know why I lied to him about it being filed the Thursday before when the timestamps on the filings clearly show they weren't filed until Tuesday. He implies that I have been lying, hiding things from him, and that I am incompetent and incapable of handling this matter. Then he asks me if I think I can handle it and if not, to immediately pass the file off to the associate he copied on the email.

Before I go further, I should explain that in the world of a lawfirm, having a file taken away from you and given to another associate under the cloak of your not being able to handle it is the most viscious, condescending act that a partner can take against you. Having a partner cc the head of the Associates Committee on a nasty email without first speaking with you is probably the second most shameful event. Having one of your peers also cc'd on that email is just dispicable. Were it not for the fact that I am leaving in just about a week and a half, I would have cowed down to Partner and apologized, despite my having done absolutely nothing wrong.

But I am leaving. And I'm not taking this kind of bullshit arrogance from anyone around here anymore. So I emailed Partner back. In part because I wasn't going to just let it go knowing that I had absolutely no fault in this collection process being delayed, in part because when something like this is put in writing by a Partner, you need to get your own side of the story memorialized in writing as well so that your ass is covered. My CYA email follows:

Partner,

I assure you that I am fully capable of handling this matter. That said, I have been meaning to come down and speak with you because I will be leaving the firm at the end of this month. I'm not sure whether or not you were aware of that. If you feel that this matter would be better handled by somebody other than myself, by all means, I'd be happy to fill in Associate S or another associate on the goings on in the file today.

I must say, though, that I feel I have handled this matter in the best way possible. I do not appreciate your frustration and anger being directed at me over the length of time it is taking for the St. Louis lawyers to handle this matter. I have been completely up front with you on all of my dealings with them. I will remind you that this is the law firm that you selected. Last week, on 2/8, when I assured you that the judgment would be filed the next day, that was because Associate M, the associate handling the matter in St. Louis, assured me that it would be filed the next day. I will forward you my emails with her, but they will reflect that I informed her that we were getting pressure from our client to get this matter taken care of right away and that we needed it filed the next day. She told me that she would copy me on the filings, and I presumed that she would be mailing me the copies. When I received that email this morning, it was the first I found out that she hadn't filed until Tuesday.

From what I understand from Associate M's email, it appears that Missouri law differs from ours. Instead of requiring a wait period (i.e. 21 days in Michigan) upon filing the judgment before an execution may be filed, Missouri allows an attorney to file an execution immediately, but requires a 30 day wait period before they may begin collection upon that execution. What she is apparently telling us is that in Missouri, one needs to identify the piece of property before filing the execution.

I have not authorized any investigator. Associate M should have been aware of the location of the business and thus the fact that there was no need for an investigator, but I have contacted her and told her not to hire an investigator and to file an execution asap so that the 30 day wait period will begin to run.

I am not sure why you approached me via email with such hostility or why you copied both Partner B and Associate S on the email, but I have left Partner B copied so that he is aware of what actions I am taking in response. I don't believe Associate S was a necessary party to any of this. If you would like me to pass the file to Associate S right now, please let me know. Otherwise, I will continue to work with Associate M and see what has been done since she filed the judgment on Tuesday. I would ask that you come to me with any issues you may have before involving unnecessary parties. I consider that to be the level of professional respect that I would pay to you, and likewise would expect only the same. I hope that we will not be parting on hostile terms, Partner, as I have appreciated the work you have given to me during my time here and have learned a great deal from you.

The worst part is that when I said I've appreciated the work he's given to me, I was being completely honest. He's a beast to work for, and most associates bitch about him constantly, but I have always chimed in that I enjoy working for him. Add to that the fact that I'm actually quite friendly with this partner and have many times enjoyed grabbing drinks with him, or sharing a pool table at the bar. To have him attack me when I'm feeling so good and so free because of my forthcoming departure from the firm just pissed me off even more.

But truly, this little event just emphasizes why I'm so glad to be getting out of this place.

Super City

The hustle and bustle of the Superbowl is upon us here in the Motor City. I've spent the past few months watching things come together from the safety of my office high above Campus Martius. Sure, there are the big things that those who are unfamiliar with the area will quickly notice. Winterblast tents are set up in the streets, some full of cars, others housing beachy sand floors and palm trees. There are ice sculptures lining Woodward Avenue along side fancy Superbowl advertisements. The Rennaisance Center has been turned into a makeshift Media City, with every radio, tv, and broadcast journalist setting up camp around the loop. ESPN has its studio housed in the Wintergarden, and I must say it's an impressive site.

What goes unnoticed to most, but what I find the most amazing, are the things that only those who spend their lives downtown can really detect. Mavericks, a struggling restaurant only recently reopened in the financial district, has a new sign up. It's new and flashy and modern. The exterior windowsills at Cadillac Plaza, just outside of Motown Cafe, an inner city hole-in-the-wall that has fed my associates and myself many a cup of vegetable soup and steaming plate of fries, have been replaced with brand new granite. They're shiny and polished and blend seamlessly into the building's facade. New stores have popped up along Woodward between the financial district and Grand Circus Park, showing off athletic apparel and the latest in couture fashion. These stores will probably exit the city as quickly as the Superbowl visitors come next week, but for now, they bring the illusion of a welcoming shopping district.

The biggest change, however, is the people. They're everywhere. Even now, as I peer down to the street below, I see hundreds of people strolling along, taking it all in. That's no small feat in this city. It's 30 degrees with a blustery wind coming off the Detroit River, and yet there are people idly milling about in the streets. It makes me smile.

I'm all about instant gratification. I have long maintained that this city will thrive again. Connecting the financial and entertainment districts by gutting the abandoned storefronts and bringing in new business is the key. And as a city, we have been slowly plodding our way in that direction for some time. But it's slow and tedious work rebuilding Motown. And with our Party Boy Mayor freshly reelected, most of us feel our chances at becoming a booming power player again, known for more than violence and grime, are slowly slipping back into the realm of dreams.

The beauty of the Superbowl coming to town is that it gives me the instant gratification that I have so longed for. For a moment in time, Detroit isn't Murder City, USA. With the temporary import of stores, bars, restaurants and people, our city looks alive. It looks shiny and new and has taken on a vibrance that I can't say I've seen in my lifetime. I brought my camera in today, not in hopes of spotting a celebrity, but so that I don't miss an opportunity to memorialize this temporary face lift.

I want to remember how this city can be with just a little elbow grease and determination.

It might not last long, but for now, the sight of laborers plastering new brickwork and laying new limestone paths, grown men in business suits squatting like children to get a glimpse of the live ESPN News taping, and visitors wandering around in awe, soaking it all in...it's priceless.

igniting a spark

Some people are writers at heart. No matter what they choose to spend their time drafting, they do it with style and flare. These writers also appreciate good writing when they encounter it. No matter what form it takes.

Somewhere in the practice of law, most writers lose their flare. Motion upon motion, brief upon brief, letter upon letter, their writing becomes more and more bland. It doesn't have to be colorful as long as it hits all the dots along the way. That's what you're taught. The simpler, the better.

There are a rare few, however, who cannot shake their innate drive to create. Their talent bleeds through into their work, making the most mundane of tasks enjoyable. These are the people who keep things interesting. Who ignite a spark in the midst of the musty old world that is lawyering. One of my closest friends, and an associate at my firm, reminded me this morning that true talent can't be suppressed. He drafted a letter today, in response to yet another threat from an uncooperative opposing counsel. For those of you who don't practice law, this kind of thing becomes tediously predictable. Most would either ignore the threat, phone the other attorney and give him an earfull from the safety of their office, or draft a boring letter to cover their ass. Not my friend. Here is the letter, redacted, for your viewing pleasure.

Dear Mr. A:

I received your letter of January 30, 2006 – it warrants response and clarification. First, I observe how undignified it is for those in our profession to jump the gun and accuse another attorney of imposing a pleading for an improper purpose, and how equally undignified it is to threaten sanctions as an instinctive reaction to the nature of the adversarial process; this is especially true where one does not return repeated phone calls or respond to letters. Having said that, I note that during each of the times I have actually been able to reach you, you have been nothing but courteous and polite.

I also note that obtaining discovery from your client in this action has been akin to pulling teeth. You do not return my phone calls or respond to my letters. You and your client do not timely respond to the most basic discovery requests. Indeed, it is inaccurate to say that your office confirmed February 6 with me as the date for Mr. K's deposition. As you well know, I asked you repeatedly – by letter and by phone messages – to provide a date for Mr. K's deposition. Your letter of yesterday was your first response. I served Mr. K’s deposition notice after waiting for more than three weeks for you to provide dates for Mr. K’s deposition. Accordingly, given the January 29 discovery cutoff date in this case, and the need to preserve my right to take Mr. K’s deposition – coupled, of course, with your refusal to confirm dates for Mr. K’s deposition – I had no other choice but to take this matter before the Court to ensure that my client’s interests were protected. As I mentioned in my Motion to Compel, I will promptly withdraw it provided your client appears for and cooperates in his deposition on the date and time set.

Please let me know at your earliest convenience whether your client is unable to obtain the documents requested in his deposition notice. If any of the requested documents are not produced at my office at the time set, I will reserve my right to continue Mr. K’s deposition at a time when those documents are made available. Thank you for confirming that Mr. K’s deposition will go forward at my office on Monday, February 6, 2006, at 9:00 a.m. If I have misstated or inaccurately characterized any of the above, please contact me at your earliest convenience. I look forward to working with you to resolving the claims and defenses in this matter.

Sincerely,
Associate Who Clearly Has the Passion to Write

rogue fighter

Motivation is a funny thing. It comes and goes. It can push you with such force that you feel out of control, or it can slip away into the deepest regions of your brain and hibernate for what feels like forever. And the most intriguing thing about motivation...it's completely subjective. It's such a personal thing. What motivates one person likely won't make an ounce of difference in another person's world.

At a law firm, there are any number of different motivations directing the different characters down varying paths. The senior partners are motivated by the desire to secure their future, and build a comfy pile of change upon which they can retire. Oh, and don't forget the prestige. Most have been striving for that the duration of their careers. Some senior partners are motivated by greed, and power. Some simply get their kicks from the simple knowledge that when they show up to work, they make associates tremble. Fear is a powerful thing.

Then you've got the junior partners. Freshly promoted from the rank of associate, these partners are motivated more by the desire to make a name for themselves than anything else. What kind of name is a different story. There are those who strive to be like the senior partners, and become feared by those below them on the totem pole. They take every opportunity to remind the associates that they are partners. Overcompensation at its best. Then there are those wish to remain part of the associate social group while professionally trying to earn their stripes in the eyes of the senior partners (a group that they will inevitably never impress and become more and more jaded by every attempt). The sad part about junior partners is that while they are now drawing income from the lawfirm, they are usually worked just as hard and treated just as poorly as the lowly associates from whom they try so desparately to distinguish themselves.

Which brings us to the associates. There is certainly a difference between the motivation of a senior associate and a junior associate, but the bottom line always comes down to fear. The associate's primary goal and strongest motivation for showing up at work is to make their yearly billable hours. They try to stay low, keep clear of any scandals, and bill, bill, bill. You see, while great victories and hard work certainly make momentary impressions on the partners who decide the fate of young associates, they don't mean shit if you don't make your hours. Billables, the imperfect method law firms have chosen by which to measure the worth of their young attorneys. The associate comes in early and stays late. Fear is the strongest motivation of all. It will make you endure things you never thought possible. However, there are those who rise above it.

So what happens when you rise above the fear? You become one of those rogue fighters in a battle of your own. You see, if you have no fear of the partners, you don't approach situations in quite the same way. You peacefully get your work done, while shutting out the anxiety that weighs down the rest of your colleagues. You are able to see the big picture and realize that there is more to life than billables. That happiness and health should always outrank professional ambition. The problem is that in order to rise above the fear, you almost certainly have to make a drastic change. And we're not talking hair color or style here. Those who rise above the fear and defy the partners' attempts at intimidation are those who leave.

It's really as simple as that. When you see past the bullshit, you no longer have the driving motivation to bust your ass for some indeterminate length of time. You seek something better.

What that something is depends on what kind of motivation has slipped in to occupy you in the meantime.

common goals

There's a certain comaraderie that occurs between friends and associates who are in the know. The closed doors are protection, but they aren't what is shutting out the rest of the world and pressing hearts and minds closer together. It's the shared knowledge that life can be better than it is. The shared goal to get out. The shared hatred of being oppressed.

That's all well and good, but fairly melodramatic even for myself. But I can't get over how full I feel these days. With every day I press through at the office, I am one day closer to escaping this hole that has sucked me in and sucked me dry of all confidence and security over the past year and a half. There is a certain joy in knowing that the pain and agony isn't mine alone. I don't revel in my friends' and colleages' angst, but I do get my kicks knowing that they too will be seeking fulfilling career paths far from the doors of this firm.

Meanwhile, the partners who take pride in beating down our spirit will be left behind to wallow in their self-aggrandizing nests of lies and anxiety. This firm is nothing if it has no associates to whip. I wonder if these miserable partners realize how close they are to losing the entire lot of underlings.

But then, I doubt they'd care. There's always some sucker who's willing to endure the beating for a year or two in order to collect the paycheck. This firm is already severely lacking in loyalty. It's only going to get worse from here.

Luckily, I won't be around when this place implodes.

casual observation

I have a confession to make. I love secretaries. No, not in that way, you perverts. I just unabashedly adore the support staff at my firm. Most of the ladies who work here put in tremendously long hours...some even rivaling the time put in by their own bosses. And what thanks do they get? A small Christmas present if they're lucky. Certainly not the respect that they deserve.

I just don't get it. Their whole purpose here is to help us. To keep this place running. And truthfully, this firm would not function without them. They bend over backwards getting motions and briefs out the door and filed on time, even though the usual cause of panic and urgency is due to the responsible attorney's having procrastinated until the last possible second to get the work done. They don't even receive so much as a simple "thank you" from the majority of the lawyers here. They are berated and used and ignored. Treated as second class. Asked to endure the wrath of angry attorneys, constipated by their own world of stress.

It disgusts me.

Many of these women are my friends. I know about their families. I share stories of my own life with them. That, my friends, is apparently a big faux pax in this legal world in which I exist. I just don't understand why. I've had three different secretaries since I first began work here as a summer clerk. Each of those women knew how valuable they were to me. How? Because I told them. I told them what a help they were, and how I would never be able to get anything done without them. I showed them. It's amazing how far flowers, a simple sign of gratitude can go.

I see my fellow associates being slowly groomed into the indifferent partners that have found a home in these halls for years and it scares me. They're starting to believe that they're better. That somehow our three years of law school education has rocketed them to heights so far beyond that of the secretaries, that it's ok to pretend they aren't even here. I find myself trying to make up for every other attorney in this firm by sending extra warmth and gratitude to any secretary with whom I come into contact.

So what's my angle? What do I get out of it? Why do I waste my time?

It certainly isn't because I want them to do more for me. They do enough as it is. Though I will say that unlike other attorneys in my firm, I know damn well that I could go to any secretary here in a time of need and they would gladly go to the ends of the earth to help me out. But that's not the reason. The reason is so simple it sounds ridiculous.

They are people, they deserve respect for the job that they do, and they are my friends.

stretching my wings

My world is being turned upside down right now. It's of my doing, but it's flip flopping, nonetheless. You would think that I would be apprehensive, considering my aversion to change. You'd think, what with at the very least a change in firms facing me down, that I would feel down and scared and unhappy. Quite the opposite.

I realized as I was driving into work today that I have a new bounce in my step. I'm walking faster, my speech is brighter, I'm feeling lively. And it's not new. It's like rediscovering an old part of me that's been tucked away for the past year and a half. During the time at my firm, I've been walking around as though I've had a shackle tightly clasped around my ankle. I've felt heavy and trapped and unhappy. These days, despite the uncertainty of my immediate future, I'm feeling more like I did before I was slapped across the face with the harsh reality that is the practice of law. I have a renewed vigor.

I feel stronger and more confident now. Sure, I may feel tossed onto my ass in a month when I don't know where I'm going, but have already walked out the door of my firm for the last time. Sure, I may flounder trying to decide which path to take from here. Sure, I may feel unsteady on my feet as I search for footing in a new firm, a new city, or the like. But I won't feel heavy. I won't feel burdened. I won't feel depressed.

I have unfettered myself. I am no longer chained to a job I despise with no foreseeable end to the misery. I'm getting out. I'm moving up. And I'm bringing back the me that I am proud of.

I'm stretching my wings, dusting off the cobwebs, and remembering that I do know how to fly.

clap away

Today's lunch conversation illustrates one of the only things that I'll miss when I leave my firm. The utterly ridiculous, side-splitting laughter that I share with the associates I call friends here. There really isn't anywhere else in the world that you can expect to sit and discuss the graphic details of Mexican whore-houses and open-mouth kissing prostitutes who have blown at least 5 guys that night, segue into a conversation about puking, then back to strippers who use fake accents to seem exotic, and round it out with talk of sticking two hands up Associate M's wife's ass and trying to clap. I don't know why, but the phrase "off the bag" makes me gag and laugh at the same time. Thanks to Associate T for teaching me that colorful term. If you don't know what it means, shoot me a message and we'll have a little chat about the birds and the bees.

I may be happier when I get out of here, but I certainly doubt I'll be able to laugh about my fellow coworkers sexual exploits in quite the same way ever again.

floodgates

With yesterday marking the last day of our most senior associate at the firm, and one of my closest friends, some familiar tremors are resonating throughout the 24th and 25th floors of the building. You can feel it in the air. An eerie silence has settled, and to the untrained eye, the remaining associates are busy as usual, pounding out motions, becoming bleary-eyed while staring at LexisNexis search results, and diligently checking in with their assigning partners.

But I know better. I've seen it before.

With Associate D's departure yesterday, the slow trickle began. He's out. He's escaped. Associates with a few years under their belts exchange knowing glances in the hallways and commence with closed door conversations about who will be next and how many will follow. You see, at my firm we never lose just one. No. Once one associate leaves, it's time to batten down the hatches and prepare for the exodus. The next one to leave will open the floodgates. Associates will begin rapidly flowing out of the firm and onto bigger, sometimes smaller, but always better things.

The firm has witnessed two such disasters in the past five years. Close to halving the ranks of the associates each time. And yet the partners don't notice the pattern. The standard "He/she just couldn't cut it" lines will be thrown around in casual conversation. They'll exchange shrugs and go about their business. All the while, the remaining associates are scrambling to find their opportunity to jump ship; their chance to reach for that proverbial brass ring and escape the misery that my firm dishes up in heaping portions. The key is to get out before you're the last one left.

Yes, the trickle began when Associate D turned off his light and walked to the elevators yesterday. And I will gladly swing those floodgates open next month. With a grin.

Scoreboard

Well, here it is. A new year, a new start. Isn't that what we always say? Well in any event, I intend to actually put this mantra into action this year. In order to do so, I must actually assess what went so horribly wrong in the past year that would necessitate a fresh start now.

2005 Mistakes

• Let work stress control me
• Let myself slide into a state of complacence and laziness
• Stopped trying to make myself better in any regard
• Let food become my comfort
• Shut out friends and stopped socializing
• Didn't exercise and thus let my body deteriorate
• Didn't pull myself out of any of the above mistakes

As I see it, those are the biggies. And now, what I hope to achieve in the new year with my new chance to make myself into the person I so greatly desire to be:

2006 Goals

• Remember that as much as the partners want me to believe it is, work is not my life
• Create and maintain a clear separation between my career and my personal well-being
• Kick the food addiction
• Let my friends back in and make an effort to do something other than lie on my couch watching tv and surfing the internet in my free time
• Start reading for leisure again -- god damnit, this job will not steal away one of my favorite pass-times.
• Work out and treat my body as though I need it to survive into ripe old age...because I do
• Don't let myself slip into a rut--if I slack in any of the above goals, pull myself right back up and start again

So far, so good. Today I had a nice healthy breakfast and then somehow mustered the willpower to decline lunch with my friends at one of my favorite "baddie" restaurants (Chinese food = the Devil). Instead of the fatty slop, I opted for a small salad and some fruit.

Current Score: New Me: 1, Old Habits: 0