tell them yourself

I have found myself to be my own worst critic.

It's true. I would venture to say that from pre-puberty onwards, I have always viewed myself under a microscope strong enough to be employed in a genetics lab. I think many people, women in particular, suffer from the same affliction. It starts with physical appearance, comparing yourself to your peers, to the women in magazines, on tv shows, in the movies, but as you age, it develops into a secret scrutiny of all aspects of your life. How do I measure up? Did I get enough education? Did I go to the right schools? Choose the right degrees? Was I in the top ten percent of my class? Did I graduate with honors? How are my friends doing? Have I achieved more? Did I choose the right career path? Am I advancing my way up the corporate ladder at the appropriate speed?

The internal voices can be deafening.

And at times like I find myself this week, the roar can be almost too much to take. However, I would say that right now it's less about the voices scrutinizing myself and more about an internal battle between the woman in me, who was taught not to brag, to never overstate my capabilities, and to always realize that more can be done, and what has been done can be done better, and on the other end, the masculine part of my psyche that realizes the only way to get ahead in what can still arguably be called a man's world, is to bluff like a man.

Yes, it's that wonderful time of year again where all associates are asked to evaluate themselves. Why on earth are we put to this task? Simply put: the partners really don't have time to bother keeping track of our progress. Instead, we are asked to succinctly spell it out for them, so that they can review it and agree or disagree.

So the feminine side of my brain is telling me that I still barely know anything about what I'm doing. It's been almost four years now since I graduated lawschool and began practice as an attorney, and I still feel like I don't know jack. This thought doesn't really trouble me, as I'm accutely aware that even partners are in the same boat here. It's why everything is codified and judgments are drafted into lengthy, detailed opinions. We all have to look it up. The only time we're ever really asked to memorize is for the bar exam, and let's be honest, everything you knew when you sat for the bar instantly vacates your brain the moment it's over with.

So the feminine side of my brain is self-depreciating. It wants to say "I'm working hard to meet my billable hours model, but it's difficult. And while I don't really feel like I'm an expert at anything, I have handled a handful of matters in the following areas..."

The masculine side of me, however, is yelling "I deserve a raise, damnit! And a bonus!"

After attending a Women Lawyers Summit in Atlanta about a month ago, I'm able to actually separate the two sides of my brain and listen to both. What I learned, is that women take self-depreciation to a ridiculous level. When filling out self-evaluations, for example, we're likely to voice our own trepidations about our abilities, and hope that the partners will realize that we're actually better than we give ourselves credit for. Men, on the other hand, have no problem bluffing and filling in the blanks with hard work when they are called on it.

Simply put, you get what you ask for in this business, not necessarily what you deserve. Which means it takes careful calculation and steadfast determination to block out the tendencies you've learned as a woman, and write these Associate Self-Evaluations from the viewpoint of a man. Which is why I am asking for a significant raise and bonus this year. It can't hurt to point out to the partners that I have acquired three new specialties this year, sat for and passed yet another bar exam (that makes three states now, thank you very much!), and become increasingly involved in extra-firm and intra-firm women's groups as well as a handful of other organizations that increase my visibility in the community. What's the worse that can happen? They can decline my request for a raise and bonus and walk away with the knowledge that I'm a go-getter who isn't afraid to ask for what I want.

Though, I really hope they give me what I'm asking for.

It makes me sad when I think about how this learned trait of self-depreciation is holding us back. We as women make up 57% of bachelors degrees, 59% of masters degrees, 53% of PhDs, 49% of law degrees and 42% of MBAs (Source: University Admissions Offices), yet represent only 2.6% of Fortune 500 CEOs, 6.7% of Fortune 500 Top 5 Wage Earners, 14.7% of Fortune 500 Board Members, 15.6% of Fortune 500 Corporate Officers, 16% of U.S. Senators and U.S. Representatives, and 18% of Governors (Source: White House Project, DiversityInc., and Catalyst). And don't even get me started on the pay disparities between men and women. In law firms alone, the income differential works its way from approximately the same at the associate level up to $140,000 difference on average at the equity partner level (Source: NAWL Survey on Retention and Promotion of Women in Law Firms).

We need to stop this cycle by teaching our own daughters to puff out their chests and talk themselves up when necessary. By teaching our daughters not to criticize themselves. Not to obsessively inspect themselves with a microscope that nobody but they have access to.

And we impact all the women in our lives by starting with ourselves. Live boldly, succeed loudly, and don't give a damn whether the whole world knows that you think you're the bee's knees.

Better yet, tell them yourself!